Birth story of Asa'el (finally!)

Birth story of Asa’el

Oct 14^th, 2011/ 16 Tishray 5771

4:24pm

6lbs 12oz/3kg  19.5”/50cm

My labor had drawn out over the course of the past month, with the rushes building in intensity each time, but then inevitably petering out at some point. I got to the point of going out for long walks, pushing my 2 year old son around Katzrin in the stroller, etc… in the hopes of encouraging my body to keep the contractions coming.

Thursday was the first day of Sukkot, and I went to shul having strong rushes. Joked with some of the women about how the baby was just going to fall out at some point. I schlepped the up-hill road home, stopping for many of the rushes. When we got home, things calmed down a bit, but didn’t stop completely. I spent the late afternoon at a neighbor’s house chatting while the kids played and wondered if this could really be it.

After Havdalah, we got the kids to bed and the rushes were still coming on. I decided to take a shower and give it another hour. At around 9pm I called Chava. We decided that the best thing to do was for the team to be on alert, but to allow me my space for as long as possible. My rushes continued to come, whether I was standing, sitting, or lying down, but they weren’t finding a pattern and they weren’t consistently strong either. I was feeling concerned that I might be getting “stage fright.” Meaning that knowing that there were people waiting to hear how my labor was progressing was having a negative effect on the labor. So I called my friend Miriam, who has a full supply of homeopathic remedies, and asked her to bring me some gelsemium. She is also a talented photographer, and I had asked her if she would be willing to photograph my birth. So when she came, I think it was close to midnight, she brought several birth-related remedies, her camera, and another friend, Natasha who was going to be on childcare duty (which was light work at the time, since they were all asleep!).

I took the remedy and labored for a while. Yoram was amazing. Every time a rush would come on, he would be right there swaying and moaning with me, putting pressure in my lower back, or massaging my shoulders. At around 1am I called Chava back and she was on the phone through a contraction. Her reaction, “Ok, I think it’s time for us to head over!”

I don’t really remember much of the rest of the timeline, at some point Chava arrived, and then Naomi arrived. Miriam and Natasha were still hanging out and things were going ok. Then Yitzchak woke up. Then Odeliya woke up. They hung out for a bit, we ate fruit, Miriam got some lovely pictures! But then Naomi and Chava noticed that my rushes were spacing out. When the rushes came, they were no less intense, although they weren’t getting stronger, and they definitely were doing the opposite of getting closer together. So the Midwives suggested that Miriam and Natasha go home for a while, and that they take the two children with them. Netanel stayed asleep, but Natasha said to call her if he woke up and she would come collect him. At some point towards morning, he did wake up and Natasha was true to her word. Chava and Naomi made themselves scarce and tried as best as possible to create a private space for me and baby to do our thing.

I started to realize that there was something my body was resisting. I was too alert, too present. In the past, as birth became imminent, my mind would get out of the way and let my body take over. And that’s when labor would get increasingly more intense and I would lose myself to the process and allow the power of Birth to consume me. But I wasn’t going there, and I started to suspect some post-trauma. In my last birth, it was at the point where I did allow my mind to disconnect that everything started going haywire, and I put my trust into a midwife who had decided before she turned up that she was going to find a way to deny me a homebirth. So when she said, “the head is too high” and “I’m feeling swelling around the baby’s head” and “I think we need to call an ambulance” I was unable to respond with what I was thinking because my thoughts and my voice were no longer connected. I wanted to say, “but I’m ready to push.” Or “that doesn’t make any sense.” Or just, “no, I’m not going!” but I couldn’t anymore. I had allowed myself to go to a place of trust and believing that my care provider was going to actually care for me, and instead she betrayed me and abandoned me.

So here I was 2+ years later and even though I knew without any doubt that I had two amazing and trustworthy midwives attending me, and even though I knew that this time was completely different and that I was safe and my space was safe and me and my baby were safe; even though I knew that the only circumstance in which we would transfer to the hospital was if there was true danger to me and my baby (and not the midwife’s bank account), my body wasn’t ready to fully believe that.

I processed a lot of this on my own, much of it after the fact, and some of it with Yoram, and with Chava. We processed some other things also, and did some tapping, and I did some crying. I felt that it helped. My body, however, had its own agenda and that was protection. After 12 hours of hard labor, I was 4cm dilated and my little guy’s head was not engaged. When Chava checked me, she felt that something was off with his position, because she knew from palpating that the baby was head down, but she said that what she was feeling felt more like a knee! That oddity was explained when we finally saw his little knobby head! That got us thinking of different laboring positions to try to encourage the baby to get into a better position and engage.

Sometime in the late morning, Chava realized that this baby was going to be born sometime on Friday night, so she decided to go home and get her home and family organized so that they could function without her for the weekend, since once Shabbat came in, she wouldn’t be permitted to go home. Before she left, she, Naomi, Yoram and I discussed our options with this labor that didn’t want to kick into gear. One option of course, was to do nothing and leave it alone. Option 2 was to start what I’m going to call a “natural augmentation regimen” of herbs, homeopathics, and nipple stimulation. I was feeling very strongly at this point that my body needed to be convinced that it was safe for me to have my baby right where we were with the wonderful attendants that we had. So I opted for #2.

Chava left with instructions to be called as soon as the labor picked up. Naomi said she wanted me to try to rest for an hour and then we would start. I lay on the couch and allowed myself to savor the 20 minutes between contractions instead of stressing that they were so far apart.

An hour later, Naomi brought out the breast pump and we started 15 minutes of pumping on each side with a 15 minute break in between. She gave me a dose of labor herbs and several minutes later, a homeopathic. I don’t know how quickly it kicked in, but ooooh man did that work! Very soon after that, we were at 10 minutes apart lasting a minute each and knocking the wind out of me each time. I moaned and sang and groaned and swayed. Mostly I would get on hands and knees and Yoram and/or Naomi was right there with me pushing into my sacrum or massaging my shoulders or both. I started to not remember much between rushes and that was a really good sign that I was forcing my body to take over.

 I was desperate to get into the pool, but I knew my newly invigorated labor was still so tenuous so I resisted. Then I started feeling pushy. I said I was going to go into the shower. Naomi said not to let it get too hot and to call her if I felt I was pushing. Yoram stayed nearby and popped in and out of the shower to check on me. The rushes started coming on strong, and on top of each other and I squatted down and knew that if I stayed there I was going to push out a baby. But the sensation was overwhelming and way too strong. I was suddenly terrified and called Yoram to help me get out of the shower. Naomi asked if she could check me since I was feeling so pushy. I agreed. She informed me that nothing had changed internally. She was completely unconcerned by this, and although I was a bit shocked, I took my cue from her and remained calm. She just said it meant I had more work to do before the end.

Something about that made me realize this was all in my head. There was a cloud of fear around me and it was having an effect on the whole process. I needed to surrender, to completely let go. Words popped into my head like hospital and pitocin. Images of fluorescent lights and faceless white-coated people bustling around me came unbidden to my mind’s eye.

I went back to my nest on the couch and carried on with the pumping, and with every rush as the pressure mounted, I pushed into it. I opened up. “Baby,” I said, “this is it, we’re doing this right now!” I pushed into each peak, roared into it, opened up to it, burned into the all-consuming power that was flowing through my body. I let it hurt and burn, but something was still stopping me.

I was kneeling on the floor over my birth ball, and my knees and ankles were hurting. My hips were hurting. These peripheral pains were distracting me. I needed to get in the pool. It was only 2 hours after Naomi had checked me and I knew she would be concerned about the water slowing things down, but I knew I’d passed the threshold, there was only one way to go from here.

Yoram made sure the water was nice and warm and I got in to the pool. The world around me slipped away. I was aware that Miriam had called and that Yoram told her she should come over with her camera. I was aware that it would be Shabbat very soon and I was aware that Chava was on her way back. But that awareness slipped away into the recesses of my consciousness. I was consumed by the Divine energy of Birth in all her fury and vivid beauty and intensity. I felt my baby barreling down through my pelvis and in that contraction my water broke. Breathlessly, I said, “Yoram the baby’s coming and I need a break!” The contraction didn’t stop, pushing wasn’t a process, it was a thing that was happening to me within the span of a few minutes. There was fear in those seconds, and I dispersed. But Yoram and Naomi gathered me in, they re-centered me and I let go. I felt him coming down and the intensity was overwhelming and I roared and thought my pelvis was going to explode! And then he was there, in my arms, slippery and slimy and beautifully pinkish-purple.  I knew he was a boy without checking, he was so present with me and I gathered him onto my chest and heaved with joy and relief! He opened his beautiful dark eyes and fixed me in a stare that was unbreakable. I was smitten.

He was doing this gurgling thing, and Naomi said calmly, “it would be good if you kissed him and give him some air,” so I did, and then he let out a reassuring, heart-rending wail! What a beautiful sound! He calmed right down though as I massaged him and we covered him with towels, and Miriam snapped away.

My beautiful little guy had come barreling out with no molding, all 13 inches of his head circumference, so I was pretty sure all those muscles that had done that work weren’t going to be much use in pushing out the placenta. So I got out of the pool onto chux pads layered on the couch. Then Chava walked in. She was in shock that she had missed the birth! She and 

Naomi helped settle me and helped me get out the placenta, and Miriam went out to the Sukkah to light candles for herself and for me.

Naomi encouraged me to allow the baby to just rest on my belly and not to force him to the breast, and I knew what that was about, because I had seen the video of the self-latching babies in my doula course. And he did it! He wormed his way, head bobbing, up my chest and latched himself right on to my left breast! It was amazing!

And even more amazing was the fact that I had no tearing at all – not even a skid! I am so grateful for that! The joints of my pelvis are still a little sore, three months later! So I’m glad that I didn’t also have to recover from tearing.

After a little while I showered and got settled in my bed and Natasha brought the kids back, and Naomi left and we started to welcome our new little light into the world.

I was blessed to have Chava be there as a post-partum doula for the first 25 hours after birth! I don’t know how we would have been able to get through Shabbat without her.

At some point while Naomi and Chava were checking the baby and weighing him and so forth, I had leaned over to Yoram and said, “I am having  a thought about this baby’s name.” “Yeah? I also have something in mind,” he answered. We agreed that as soon as we had some time alone we’d discuss it. Later that night, I was sitting on my bed nursing our new baby, and Yoram was sitting in his bed, and it was quiet. “So what was the name you were thinking of?” I asked. Yoram said, “I’m thinking Asa’el.”

So was I. The last time we had mentioned that name was when we were making a name list during my first pregnancy, so it seemed very clear that when we both independently came back to it at that moment, that Asa’el was our baby’s undisputed name. (It means “God’s work”)

It has taken me almost 3 months to put this story down in words. There was a lot of processing that I’ve gone through in that time. Here are some of my thoughts:

One of the things I had prayed for specifically and consistently throughout this pregnancy was that the birth should be a healing experience for me. I feel that Hashem granted me that in every way. Asa’el’s birth was very clearly a tikkun for the traumatic birth experience that I had with Yitzchak. Down to the minutest details.

We moved into this house at around 33 weeks, which is where I was at when we moved to Katzrin in May of 09. I had a team of 2 fabulous midwives who fully and completely trust birth, women, and themselves. About 2 weeks before I gave birth, I had a true “false alarm.” Meaning that I truly thought I was going to give birth, Chava, Naomi and my friend Tziona who was to be my doula, came out. After a full night of on and off labor, my contractions petered out. But no one was annoyed or upset.  I think my body did that to subconsciously test that this would be different from the last time. And then during my actual labor, which lasted a whopping 20 hours, 16 of which saw no “progression” and nobody was thinking of a transfer. All the indications were that me and the baby were doing well, so there was nothing to worry about. The decision to take action was entirely mine. Chava, who I had considered my midwife more than Naomi, actually left in the middle of labor and missed the birth! I had the experience of her leaving, but knowing fully that I wasn’t being abandoned. Firstly because Naomi was there the entire time and she was amazing. And secondly because it was clear that Chava was loving me and the baby, and that her leaving was to facilitate her being able to be completely present with me when she returned. And then she was with me for that critical post-birth time, which was actually when the midwife had left me at the mercy of the hospital with Yitzchak. Also, something I’m seeing just now in the re-telling is that in the ambulance when Yitzchak was born, he was limp and blue and that midwife actually did tell me to give him a breath, which I did and he pinked up. This time, Asa’el was alert and fine, but hadn’t been too eager to really take in that first gulp of air, and Naomi also told me to breath into his mouth.

I feel a strong significance to all these details and I feel so whole and healthy, where there had previously been a deep chasm. I am so grateful for this birth, for Asa’el, for my midwives, for Yoram. I feel so deeply blessed.

Yes, its a political post... so shoot me

A law was passed in the Knesset today that is very refreshing. As I read the article in the Jerusalem Post, I breathed a deep sigh of relief and offered thanks to The Holy One for a glimpse of the goodness so often hidden from our sight.

The law states that in order to hand over any annexed land (such as my home in the Golan for example) in a peace deal, the proposal would have to be approved by a super majority vote in the Knesset or a national referendum. Can I get a "Baruch Hashem!" (more appropriate in the this case than "Hell yeah!" but with a similar connotation)

I don't usually read the news, I find it too depressing, and anyway, what truth can you really get from the media? Take this enlightening little snippet that I came across yesterday about the alleged hoax of the Muhamed Al-Dura killing 10 years ago. It's stories like this that bastion my decision to stay far away from news reports...

But times have changed, and I find myself stumbling upon a news article here and there... and it's nice to finally see something heartening - until you read the appalling response of Kadima leader, Tzipi Livni to the bill. I'll quote it in just a second...

Israel is a democracy right? The only one in the Middle East - maybe that's why the definition can be applied to loosely? No one to compare to around here... As I read it, partly out loud for Yoram's benefit and to assure I was understanding it correctly, I got to the quote:

“The question today concerns national referendums in general and not the specific topic presented as part of this bill. There is a question of principle here, and it has nothing to do with who wants to give away parts of Israel,”

Here I stopped and interjected, "because god forbid we should actually give power to the people!" To which Yoram responded, "she actually said that?" I said no... until I kept reading...

Kadima Chairwoman Tzipi Livni told her faction during the meeting. “These are decisions that leaders who understand the scale of the problems and are exposed to all of its aspects are supposed to make. The public is not a substitute for good leadership.”

What??!!! Sorry, can I say that again... WHAT?!?!

Livni slammed Netanyahu, describing him as “a weak prime minister who finds it comfortable to be constrained,” and argued that the law “has nothing to do with right and left, but rather about how decisions are made in this democracy. There is one national referendum, and it is general elections.”

And in case you weren't sure yet about how Ms. Livni defines democracy, we have this lovely little nail to knock into the proverbial coffin:

“This is not a about asking the nation, but about giving a veto to decisions made by the elected government and the Knesset,” Livni complained. A large number of Kadima MKs, including Mofaz, indicated that they would not participate in the vote rather than vote against the measure. 

Choosing not to participate in the vote, dear Knesset Members is in direct opposition to the very concept of a democracy.

I love living here, and I believe with all my heart (however archaic) that this is the Land which was promised to Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov to be inherited by their children for all time. I believe this is where the Jewish future is. But I think there is a lot of work to be done here.

That being said, I must also reiterate my infinite thanks to Hashem that this law did in fact pass and that if some upstart Leftist lunatic ever decides that we should be evacuated in favor of Syrian dominion over my home - at least I'll be able to throw in my vote and know it will be heard.

Uncomfortably numb...

It took me until this minute and writing the title for this post to realize that what I'm experiencing is actually numbness... the question is why?

We have a big decision in front of us right now, and it's weighing so heavily in me that I can't even feel it. The number of factors and variables seem endless and the consequences of a wrong decision would add significant difficulty to our lives. I guess my heart knows that if it would also contribute to the situation by adding the emotional aspect of the choices, I'd just collapse, so I think that's why I've gone numb... and yet, the drum is still beating and a decision must be reached.

I'm hoping that writing will help, so you're along for the ride - and comments are sooo very welcome!

We came to the Golan w/ a dream of living on a moshav (small settlement) and having some land to have a homestead. We came to Katzerin b/c there was no place  to rent on any of the religious moshavs, and we weren't (are still not) in a position to buy anything. 

We've been in Katzerin for a year and a half now. We have friends, we love our neighbors, we've become the unofficial "absorption center" and "guest house" of Katzerin and we love it! But we don't have room for even a garden. (Although we do have a lemon tree!) Anyway, just when we thought we'd push off our decision of where in the Golan to settle down for another year, our landlord called to tell us that they want to sell the house. So we won't be renewing this lease... and now we have to make a decision... 

Now I need to backtrack... A few months ago I visited Avnei Eitan to pick something up. It is a beautiful settlement where lots of people have animals, and most are farmers. The yishuv had recently closed their absorption process because they were over capacity and had no new lots available. When I left, I told my husband that I think I'd like to live there if they were still accepting new families. It just resonated with me. But no klita meant I didn't have to think about it anymore b/c it's not an option...

... 2 weeks ago I started a new job as client manager for a tourism company in Avnei Eitan. Since we don't have a car at the moment, I have been working mainly from home with the idea of going in once a week via hitchhiking... I don't mind being in the office, but I find that I waste a lot of time getting back and forth and I'm more productive at home...

... the local weekly magazine has a real estate section in which there is a separate column for rentals in the settlements. Every week I look there and say - "some day a rental is going to be posted here in one of the religious places, and we're just going to go!" Last Friday a listing appeared for a rental in... Avnei Eitan. 

I saw the house today. It is small. 2 bedrooms, 1 bath in 72 meters. But this little house is situated on 3000 sq. meters, and the view from the back yard is to die for. It is also being completely gutted and redone (although not expanded) so it will be brand new. My new boss is also on the yishuv board. He let me in on the scoop that there will be land available to build on within the next 2 years (the term of the lease on this house) it will not include farm land though. 

What would this all mean? It would mean we have the opportunity to give our dream a try. We'd have two years to live on the yishuv, and have our homestead, we'd have the opportunity to get information on possibly renting farmland once we would decide to build, and we would know the truth about our ability to live our dream. 

So what is the catch? Here's the downside of all this:

1. Living in a smaller place means no guests (although I'm sure neighbors would be willing to host family, and there are also lovely zimmers available for rent)

2. Living outside of Katzerin makes not having a car much more difficult and buying a car now would deplete our "building fund"

3. Living oustide of Katzerin means that we won't be the "absorption center" of Katzerin anymore.

4. We really like our friends here, and our neighbors. Although I can answer this concern, since Katzerin is the "city" of the Golan, we would still be in contact with our friends here and would probably see them fairly often as we would likely be travelling back and forth somewhat regularly. And Avnei Eitan is only 25 minutes from Katzerin, so going visiting is not that big a deal.

How would I handle being so limited in having guests? Even for meals, it would be tight in the space, although for most of the year eating outside is a comfortable option.

I know there are people who live on the yishuv without a car, and just as our current plan is to occasionally rent a car, we could still do that there.

Just when we were starting to feel like we could breathe we are back to feeling completely unsettled! 

My faith is unwavering, I know that everything is from Hashem and on one hand I feel compelled to follow the pretty obvious signs that I'm being given, but doesn't it just seem a little too easy?? Can we really have reached that stage of closeness and connection that our needs would just be handed to us, so very neatly?

My gut is telling me to go with it, make the move and don't look back. "Keep moving forward" as another legendary dreamer once said... So what do you think??? 

There's one more little experience to add to this... this afternoon as I turned all this over in my mind one of the thoughts that came to me was that in the yishuvim there are very few lights at night, so one could sit outside one's house a really see the starts. Katzerin, despite it's relative tininess compared to actual cities, still has a full array of street lights blighting all but the brightest stars and planets. But then I thought, "but come on, how really important is that anyway." About 2 hours ago, the entire city lost power, my kids were already asleep, so I went outside and sat on the bench in front of my house... and looked up at the clear, moonless, cloudless sky. I felt like I was being shown a slice of eternity. Nostalgia for summers camping in Lake George kicked in very strong, and I thought, "if we rent that house, I could do this every night." 

The non-existential post

There's something brewing just under the surface of my consciousness, and it's not the coffee. It's a transformation I'm experiencing and I have been trying to express it in words for the past month to no avail.

Yesterday I applied myself to the task. The house was quiet, Yoram was doing work for a client, the kids were asleep, I'd had a productive day. I opened up a new post in blogger and started to write - nothing. I tried WordPress, thinking it might help to use a different format. Still nothing. So I shut off the internet and opened a document in OpenOffice, thinking that if I treat it as a random piece of writing as opposed to something I plan on sharing with the world, maybe the creative juices would start flowing... Not even a sentence emerged.

I closed my computer, and dug out a pen and a paper notebook - I abandoned the idea of a title or any purpose at all, just allowed the pen to flow along the sheets of lined paper... It did flow, which I discovered when I woke up half an hour later with ink marks on my hand and my cheek!

So I've decided to let that go for now. Apparently this new experience is not ready to have an expression outside of myself yet. 

Since I am sure that you are now reading this feeling very let down and disappointed, fear not! I will not leave you thus sulking in uncertainty and anticipation! I will leave you with something much more substantial and exciting than the expression of my existential transformation could possibly achieve...

Recipes! 

I made a really delicious salmon for Shavuot that was inspired by a recipe in Sally Fallon's book Nourishing Traditions. I humbly submit it for your enjoyment:

Salmon and Scallions

Ingredients:

• 5-7 salmon fillets
• bunch of green onions (scallions) chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, chopped or crushed
• 1" chunk of ginger, grated
• 1/4 C soy sauce
• 1/4 C rice vinegar
• 1/4 C honey
• juice of 1 lemon
• salt and pepper

Instructions:

• preheat oven to 350F/190C 
• lightly grease a 9x13 pan or use parchment paper
• lay fillets, skin side down in the pan
• sprinkle chopped scallions over salmon
• in a bowl combine the rest of the ingredients and pour over salmon
• cover tightly and bake 15-20 minutes until just done.
• toasted sesame seeds (I prefer toasting them myself, just toss them in a hot skillet until they get brown - but careful not to let them burn!)

I served this at room temperature and then again the next day (and then again a few days later!)

Leftovers keep very well in the fridge

So what are you serving this with?? 

How about:

Sweet and Spicy Veggies w/ Rice

Ingredients:

• 1 cup rice, cooked*
• 4-5 large carrots cut into coins
• 1 bunch spinach
• 3 Tbs butter or oil
• 1/4 C honey
• 1/2 tsp grated ginger
• 2 cloves garlic, crushed
• salt and pepper

Instructions:

*You can prepare any rice you like in your favorite way. My personal favorite is whole grain basmati rice which I toast with some olive oil before adding boiling water. 

• wash spinach but don't dry it, just shake off excess water, set aside.
• In a medium saucepan (larger than 2 quarts) melt butter over med heat
• Add carrots and stir to coat
• Cover pot and cook carrots until they just begin to soften (~3-5 min) 
• Add spinach and stir
• Cover pot again and cook another 5 minutes (just enough for the spinach to get wilted and the carrots to soften)
• add the rest of the ingredients and stir to coat
• cook, covered, another 5 minutes
• toss over rice and serve!

The nutritional benefits of this complete meal are fantastic! The combination of the fish with the rice and lightly cooked vegetables ensure that all the nutrients: protein, calcium, iron, carotenes, Vitamins B and C (just to name a few!) are all at their highest levels of bio-availability! (that means your body will actually be able to absorb and use the nutrients in this meal when it is served together.)

בתאבון!

Enjoy!

When does Hashem rest?

I've been trying to make time to say morning prayers with Netanel this week, since he's been home. Although I spend most of my day praying - which is to say that I am constantly asking for guidance and help, and saying thank you, etc,... I haven't been very diligent lately about saying any canonized prayers. So it's been a nice opportunity for me too.

This morning I stood up for a part of the Tefilla and Netanel actually lay down on the couch.
"Netanel," says I, "you shouldn't lay down when your davening, it's not respectful to Hashem."
"Why not?" retorts Netanel.
"Well who are we saying these things to? Hashem is all around us all time, right?" Tani nods. He's sitting up now. "Hashem is the power that creates the world, that guides our lives, and gives us everything we need, and when we say tefillot, we are putting ourselves into Hashem's presence to ask for all that we need and want."
"Mommy, but when does Hashem rest?" He asked. I understand the question! I mean, that sounds like a lot of work!
"On Shabbat," I answered. "Right? On the seventh day, Hashem rests. And so do we."

And then the epiphany happened. On Shabbat, we not only rest physically by not doing things that are considered work. (The list is pretty specific, which is why I used that particular wording.) We are also commanded to refrain from speaking or even thinking about non-Shabbat related things. Like business, or what we want to do or accomplish in the coming week, or even sports. We 're not even supposed to request anything from Hashem on Shabbat! The main prayer, called the "Amida" is completely different on Shabbat, instead of the normal 19 supplications, there are none. Only praise and thanks. On Shabbat we reconnect with our Soul, that little part of Godliness that exists within us.
So I answer Netanel's innocent question, and I'm thinking, "Oh, Duh!" Hashem "works" all the time for us. Listening to our prayers, ordering the world so that we can achieve our desires, and fulfill our purpose. But on Shabbat, Hashem is resting, recuperating, and reconnecting with Creation, just as we are reconnecting with our Creator.

So, no, we should not be talking about business, about stocks, about movies, or plans for the week. We should not be thinking about the activities and requirements of the week to come, because aside from detracting from the spiritual nature of the day, it actually disturbs God's rest! Anthropomorphically speaking, of course, when we make requests of our Creator, even in the form of dreaming about our heart's desires, that essentially causes Hashem to "work" to answer those requests.

So thanks to Netanel, in an hour, when Shabbat starts, I'll be much more sensitive to what it means to have a Day of Rest. And I can't wait!

Informed choices assumes you're actually informed...

Ok, first off, I'm not avoiding blogging about our car accident last Thursday. The basic account is on Yoram's blog, and I'm still processing and not fully sure how to express the experience, or even if I want to.

In the meantime, life - thank God - goes on.

So I have a question for you:

Scenario: you walk into a store to purchase a safety product for your home and in one aisle you are approached by a rep from one of the brands. The rep tells you why his brand is the best brand to buy. He shows you articles that conclude that its much safer than the other products for x, y, and z reasons, and that purchasing any other product will result in almost certain death (you know they do, even if they don't use those words). There is a rep from a competing brand in the next aisle and she has an equally impressive presentation.
What do you do?
Do you buy the product based on the rep's information?
Do you buy the one that's most expensive (this is safety we're talking about, expense must equal quality)?
Or do you do as much independent research as you can to ensure that you are buying the product that is going to best serve you and your family?
Would you be wary of information from someone with a vested interest in his or her product?

Why don't we treat our Prenatal and birthing choices this way? Why are we willing to be scared @$#%less by a doctor or midwife that has a vested interest in our choosing to submit to their course of action? I'm not saying it's always the wrong choice, I'm just saying that we always need to consider the beliefs of the speaker.  
And we need to make choices because we KNOW, not because we're scared of the alternative.

I have been called upon by a very dear friend to re-enter the world of informed choices in childbirth. I know I'm still passionate about the issues. The pain and frustration I feel when I hear pregnant women tell birthing horror stories that could have been avoided, or handled better, if they had just been given all the facts. If they had just been treated as partners in the birthing process rather than patients who need to be saved from a catastrophic event, if birth professionals could infuse women with trust in birth and belief in their own strength and ability to birth - then we'd be hearing a lot fewer horror stories.

My friend has been told that since her previous birth was complicated by shoulder dystocia, she is at increased risk of that happening again, this is not proven. She was led to believe by her doctor that the fault of this complication lies with the mother's build. That's possible in cases of true gestational diabetes, or misshapen pelvis, but not in normal healthy women. Allowing a woman to mistakenly believe that shoulder dystocia is something that "just happens" to some women doesn't infuse women with trust and understanding of the birth process, it does the exact opposite - which, IMHO, will lead to more complications than any other risk factor. He presented her with all sorts of dire possibilities, but did not mention the possibility that the problem is often bad positioning of the mother and that repositioning the mother can and does relieve the dystocia!

Her doctor's rough estimate of her baby's size at her current 38 weeks is around 3000 grams. He told her that he wants her to be induced next week. Can we all remember, for a moment, the > 1000 gram margin of error in birth weight estimates after the first trimester???

I just have to share my findings, because the more visible this information becomes the more likely we are to demand a change in protocols.

So first of all, a brief explanation of shoulder dystocia: It's defined as a case in which a baby's head is born and the shoulders take more than 60 seconds to follow. Let me clarify further: Shoulder dystocia is not something your baby "has" it is something that happens to a baby during birth. Baby's who experience dystocia in birth are often over 4kg (~8.5 lbs) but not always, and not all babies over 4kg get stuck. The risk to the baby of this complication is that (s)he can suffer an injury to the brachial plexus nerve that threads under the clavicle. Damage to the brachial plexus can, lead to permanent nerve damage to the child's arm. Namely Erb's Palsy or Klumpke's Palsy.

All the maneuvers that have been practiced to facilitate birth and attempt to prevent injury assume that the laboring woman is lying flat on her back with her feet up in the air.

Here is a brief account of a study of the Gaskin Maneuver which was brought to the US by Ina May Gaskin. This article is easy to read and very clear.

In the study of 82 cases out of 4452 birth, shoulder dystocia occured and was relieved by the completely non-invasive method of having the laboring women turn onto all fours to deliver the baby. Some of the cases involved women who were under epidural anesthesia and were none-the-less assisted into the all-fours position by birth attendants.

Another well researched article is this one from a UK Homebirth advocate. One thing that she noted, which I feel is important to highlight is that injuries that have been linked to shoulder dystocia are not caused by birth, but by the act of extracting the baby from the mother. (those are commonly known as "iatrogenic injuries" but that term is not being applied to shoulder dystocia. It's called a "birth complication". Maybe that's because a lot of "birth complications" are actually iatrogenic. But don't get me started.)

At the moment, these seem to be my friend's choices:
a) induction at 39 weeks for same reason as above (consider risks of induction)
b) elective abdominal surgery (i.e. c/section) for suspicion of high birth weight (consider risks of surgery)
c) go into labor when baby is ready if you fall into the 2% chance that a problem presents itself, get onto your hands and knees. No injuries, no additional recovery time, in most of the studied cases the babies were delivered over an intact perineum!!
I just want her to trust her body and her baby and her strong beautiful body that God gave her.
Many doctors and birth professionals (yes, even midwives - such as the midwife who was present for Yitzchak's birth) try to attribute terms and rules to pregnancy and birth. Like trying to make a corolation between previous pregnancies and the current one for no other reason than "it happened before." Even though it is the doctors and midwives who should know best that one woman's birth cannot be compared to another's, and that even one woman's previous births cannot predict any future births. Complications happen when those doctors and midwives attempt to manage a birth based on facts of previous births. Like suggesting an induction or a cesarean based on a previous case of shoulder dystocia. Induction carries it's own risks to baby and mother. And in fact, in the cases of injuries following shoulder dystocia, one of the factors was pitocim use in labor! (causing stronger, more feequent contractions than mom or baby were created to handle, also by limiting the mother's movements due to the pitocin drip, etc...) It's the classic interventions chain that is so clearly illustrated in Henci Goer's book "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth."

This has been a long post, and I've let a lot of my reactions to the information seep in. So allow me a little ipso facto disclaimer: I am not against medical interventions in childbirth or in any other area of medical care. I believe that the technological advancements in medicine and in childbirth have saved many complicated births that would have ended in tragedy a century ago. I am critical of the medical field of pregnacy and childbirth which dictates protocols based on fear not on evidence. I am wary of following the advice of anyone who directly benefits from that advice - which doesn't mean I won't take it. It means I will research it first. And I am critical of a generation of women who are willing to allow things to be done to their bodies and their babies that have not been completely explained to them, and without getting all the information first.

In every are of life, whether it's birth, parenting, business, relationships, or religion - if you make a decision out of fear, you are making the wrong decision - every single time. I've seen it in my own life, learned it from my mentors in every area of study and seen it in practice in the lives of those I love.

Make your choices from a place of knowledge and of trust, and if you don't have access to the knowledge that you need then find someone who does. Pursue it at all costs, and live you life in joy, in complete faith, and not in fear.


"כל העולם כלו גשר צר מעוד והעיקר לא לפחד כלל" "The world is but a narrow bridge, and the main thing is not to fear at all"

Giving Thanks

I would like to publicly give thanks to the One for constantly providing exactly what we need, and for constantly renewing my faith in my decision to follow the path that has been set for me and my family!

This morning Yoram called to tell me that the winery announced officially that the seasonal workers are going to be hired as full time employees as of January 1st! Thank you, Hashem, for providing for us on every step of this journey!

note: Hashem literally means "the name." It is the way most Orthodox Jews refer to God. I'm in search of a more personally fulfilling way to refer to Hashem, but I have yet to find one that I connect to. Just thought I'd share in case anyone was wondering.

A Lesson in Spiriruality from a 2 year old

Yoram starts work too early to go to prayer services at the synagogue so he's been saying שחרית, the morning service at home. As much as I support him going to מנין (group sevices) there is definitely power in numbers, but I'm not complaining b/c it means he's here at 6am when Odeliya wakes up and I can stay in bed a little longer!

There's a section of the prayers during which talking and interruption should really be avoided.So Yoram has a little huddle with Odeliya before he starts that section where he tells her, "Odeliya, right now I'm going to be talking only to Hashem. It's very important and I wont be able to answer you, so if you need something you need to go up to Mommy, ok?" She nods and continues playing/eating breakfast/etc,... So the other day,Yoram finished praying and thanked Odel;iya for behaving so nicely and being so patient.

 Odeliya's response: "ok, and what Hashem say?"